pirateshipsandrabbitholes:

I would like to believe that whenever we are faced with problems, God gives us the opportunity to figure out how to overcome them. He even cheers us on to never quit trying. At times, we find our own obstacles pushing us backwards or keeping us stuck in the same place. We feel powerless, and yet we still depend on our own strength. At this point we must acknowledge the fact that we cannot do this on our own. Eventually, we surprise ourselves when we realize we were able to carry our burdens. But then the truth is that it was God who intervened and carried all of the big, heavy stuff for us. We may feel like some problems are too big for us, but no problem is too big for God. He will never leave us alone with obstacles we cannot work our way out of. He is in control, and He will be with us every step of the way.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. ” (1 Peter 5:7)

All Of The Big, Heavy Stuff I Try To Carry, 01/31/12

Watercolor on paper

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. ” (1 Peter 5:7)

I really needed to read this. Reading Judges last night was the perfect serveral chapters to read. Reading about the Israelites disobeying God, allowing the caanaanites to filter into their life… because they got complacent and lazy and didn’t want to obey God’s command fully to drive them out of the land. They were afriad of the Canaanite’s iron chariots, and even though God was on their side, they stopped and just.. straight up got lazy.  Without Joshua, a spiritual leader, things got even more ambiguous.  And the thing with spiritual leaders, they themselves are not powerful. They are human and fail… look at Moses.  Yet, it’s God, whos holy and pure, that works through leaders, that gives them the integrity, perseverance, and leadership type qualities that those look up to.

As I read this, I went straight into prayer. Prayer into repenting of my sins. Repenting of my evil thoughts, of my evil ways, of my sinful life. There was just so much weight and heaviness. For the first time in a long time, I cried outloud as I prayed. Tears flowed and I got soaked… I didn’t even realize I could cry that much. It was one of the most painful yet relieving prayers of my life. The whole time, I asked God to just punish me, to just hit me, physically punch me or just something.. for being so terrible and sinful… and the weirdest feeling happened. It felt like I was being hugged. Like my mom was hugging me, but alot more… surrounded? enveloped? covered? it was strangely peaceful.

The rest of the prayer went to searching for answers, for looking for discernment and wisdom. I hate asking God for answers. I really hate doing it because I don’t like making Him work on my time. But, there was urgency in my prayer. Every waking moment today, I’ve prayed. Prayed as I sat on the bus, prayed as I walked to the bathroom, prayed as I ate my lunch.  No answer yet. A part of me is so frustrated with no answers. And a part of me also realizes that, I’ve never had a clear answer from God. Like a sound resounding voice of God. Does everyone who seeks for it obtain that?!

From my sinfulness, I realized why God hadn’t spoken to me in the past couple of weeks as I prayed. There was no need for Him to do so.

Last night, it was probably the closest thing I had to a direct answer from Him. I need to continue praying. 

Funny thing is, my LSAT was the last prayer topic, and it was thanks for helping me focus for the first time ever.  I prayed mainly for one topic on my heart, and also thanked God for bringing my mom to Harvest.

Last night was intense.